His pubic hair was longer than his dick
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
