whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
