Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
