I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
