I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
