Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
