Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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