yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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