Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
