My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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