I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
