Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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