No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
