Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
