im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
