When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize