he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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