i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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