I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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