That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
