Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
