plz talk dirty to me
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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