Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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