She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
