Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
