So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
