So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
