you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
