just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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