dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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