I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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