Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
