Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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