Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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