We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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