We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
