I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
