I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
