Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
