My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm bleeding and have questions
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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