he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My bed smells like the plague
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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