A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
