a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
