I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize