My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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