i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
