never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
