so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
