Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
