God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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