my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
