Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize