Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Let's get the cat blown out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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