There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
