She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize