my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
