My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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