Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
