You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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