Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
