I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
