Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
