Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
