I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize