Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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