just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
