i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
