DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize