to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
