A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
