Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize