my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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